This is going to my Brother, Conan. I love you and happy birthday big bro.
Woke up from a dream. The dream was of you big brother. I woke up with tears in my eyes, tears that wouldn't stop for the rest of the day and into the night. They are tears of pain, tears of regret, tears of guilt, tears of memories, and tears of times forgotten.
With each tear, tracing a path down my face, i remembered that being my big brother you would watch Disney movies with me, Hercules being one of your favorites, and protecting me from dangers, everything from sharp knives in the kitchen, grandpas wrath when I would play on his tractors and knew i wasn't supposed to, and from angry sisters. You would also play countless hours of make believe with stuffed animals and doll houses with me, and I can never forget the lessons on how to do a flip and double bouncing on the trampoline.
I was young, only seven at the time you had to leave us. It was not enough time to get to know you! And being only seven, those memories are all foggy, almost insubstantial; not knowing if those 'memories' are my own, stories from other people or even dreams. My regret is I never got to properly say good bye, because I was young, selfish, tired of being sad, I didn't go to your funeral. The guilt comes from not remembering details about you. Even your face is being erased, by time, from my memory. Without pictures I wouldn't be able to guess at what you looked like or your eye color, which for me is a pressing detail in which I wish I could remember. Although I cannot remember all your physical features, I do remember the feeling of happiness and love around my clouded memories of you.
Even after sixteen years, the love I have for you has not changed, and the pain of losing you is still there, will always be there. I miss you and love you, Conan.
By Your Littlest Sister
