18 Years

I can’t believe that it’s already been 18 years since I’ve seen you last Conan. I look back and I remember sitting at the kitchen table eating supper with you, and how you would eat tablespoons full of peanut butter at a time. You were my big brother and my protector. You would protect me from all the world’s evil, and especially the evil of an other sister, or when you would protect me from grandpa Joe’s wrath when he knew one of us grandkids were playing on his tractor but wasn’t sure which one.  Between you and sister, you taught me how to play the Nintendo and would double bounce me on the trampoline. You had endless patience when it came to playing the make believe games of a seven year old.

There are so many things I wonder about. If you were still here, would you have a family? A wife? Would I have more nieces or nephews? Would you have travelled? Would we have gone on grand adventures together? Where would you work? Where would you live; the Okanagan or back home in the Peace Country or even in another country?

There are so many ‘what ifs’ and none of them can be answered. It still hurts to this day that you had to leave us, but one thing I know for sure is that you loved me and our family, and everyday you are missed by so many of us down here on Earth, and that we all still love you, no matter how much time goes on.

Dear Brown Leather Boots

It was love at first sight! As soon as I saw you looking all fine up there in that window front, I knew that I just had to get to know you better. Unfortunately  I was just a poor- broke - university student. I didn't have the cash to take you out of the at window front, so I said good-bye, just for now.

I scrimped and saved, ate Kraft Dinner for every meal for a three weeks straight!Even my skin was starting to turn a sickly orange colour. I collected pop bottles from home, from my parents and even offered to clean up after every party so I could keep all those precious 5 cent bottles. When asked to go out for wing Wednesdays and a few drinks I would always reply with 'no thanks - I have homework'. I did have the work, but Brown Boots, you were the real reason i didn't go out. You were never far from my thoughts.

Christmas came and that's where I finally got enough to take you out! I ran to the store, when I got there, you were missing from the display! My heart and hopes sunk to the pit of my stomach. I couldn't believe that you were gone so I went into the store anyway, on the hope that you might just be hiding from me.

As I walk into that store, a small bell tinkling over the door announcing my arrival. That tinkle made me have hope once more. And there you were! Moved from the window front to a towering display with overhead lights shining on you, my perfect, precious Brown Leather Boots!

I hurried over to you and requested the sales clerk to get a size nine for me. Even waiting that extra two minutes for them to go to the back, near broke my heart from anticipation. Finally you came! I put you one and you were absolutely perfect! From your spiked 2 inch heal, to the way you hugged my foot and rode up to the perfect height up my calf. This was love like i've never felt before! I put both of you on and headed to the cash register, you were mine and I was going to walk out with you!

After my 30 minute walk home, I was in pain! You were breaking my heart, Brown Boots. you hugged my feet but also squeezed a little too much at my toes, to the point they were purple once I got home. I tried to get you out again, looking fine with a little black dress and dinner with friends, but alas, you were just out to hurt me again.

Time and time again, I tried. I loved you so much, but the pain was just too great. If you love something you let it go right? So I am letting you go Boots, I hope to see you someday soon, and I hope the next person to pick you up, will love you as much as i did.

Sincerely,
Your First Love.

Worthless city

So you ever feel like you just don't belong? Living somewhere where you know that if you just didn't show up for class or work that people wouldn't even notice? Ya me neither

This new chapter of my life so far has been one of the worst. I've been through some terrible things with the death of my brother, parents divorcing, sister running away, a step mother who I didn't get along with at all. I dealt with the tragedy of my brother and I miss him everyday and once in awhile I will cry for him because I miss him so much or laugh at the times we spent together and how amazing it was to have a big brother looking out for me. I got over it because of my family. And my friends. 

The divorce of my parents wasn't really that bad. I mean it sucked but soon came into a routine of living at dads and seeing mom every weekend. I could live with that because I had friends to rely on and vent to when it was tough to live with separated parents. 

Living with my step mother, that was the hard one because it lasted 7 years and it really never did get better between us. But this living in a new city so far away from all my friends and family is the second hardest thing I've had to live through. 

I moved to this city for school. It was the only school that accepted my college diploma transfer completely and I wouldn't have to take any extra classes so that I will have a degree in 2 more years. I didn't think it would be that bad. I've moved around before. The first time I moved 500 km from home just because I got a job, and that turned out fine. School should be even easier. Going to the same classes with mates and getting to know and meet new people. 

Well it's been 3 months now. I don't like this city, still don't know anybody well enough to text and say "let's go get coffee". No family. It's hard. Maybe it's the introvert in me making it even harder to become friends as a grown up but man it just sucks! I've never been a big downer, I'm usually a pretty optimistic person and outgoing. But this place is slowly sucking the life and happiness from me. 

I can't wait for school to be over. Luckily I only have to survive another month before I can go home for the Christmas holidays. 5 more months before summer comes and I can get my old job back and enjoy summer. And another 13 months before I'm totally down with school and never ever looking back at this city and not doing the school thing again. 

As I said at the beginning. If I just stopped showing up for class, it would be over two weeks before anyone started questioning it. I can go for 3 days without even seeing or talking to my roommates. I could just easily disappear and nobody within 400 km would care. Now that makes a person feel worthless. 

School Again...

Agg.....
I'm back in school yet again.

Being out of college and in the real work of the working class, it's hard to get back into the swing of things. I miss the days of getting home from work and ______. That blank represents nothing! I got to go home and do absolutely nothing if I wanted to! Sit on the couch and eat chips while watching netflix. That was the life.

But now, with my 26 hours of class per week involves close to an additional 20 hours of homework after class, or more when midterms near. There are hundreds of pages of reading, assignments with 48 hour deadlines, projects that you don't really fully understand how to do but yet are required to finish by 9 am the next day. Don't forget about papers and in every class, they require a different set up and different citation expectations, and with those papers, whatever else you do, DO NOT plagiarize. I went to an archery club meeting recently and they members asked me to stay but I said I couldn't because of my paper. "Just get one off the internet," said he. Well he was an older man and didn't realize that there is a website called turnitin.com that will go through every database out there and compare your report to that of every other paper and will judge the percent of your paper that is the same as anything else. And if you ever did plagiarize, well you get kicked out of school!

Many late nights and sleepless early morning hours have been spent in computer rooms finishing projects and fighting with computers that don't want to connect to the printer, or computers that suddenly turn off and you forgot to save the past three hours of work on it! All college is is one long period of perpetual stress. Stress of homework, GPA, tests, assignments, clean clothes, stress of not eating properly because you forgot how much it sucked not having money to buy the good healthy food and have now eaten KD for the last 6 nights in a row.

In another 2.5 years, I hope to hell I land that amazing job that pays 80 K a year and will never have to think about going back to school again!

Wish me luck on being an adult in school.

The Coward

Where is my boldness?
Even with the so called "liquid courage" it doesn't come.

Drinking till the room starts to spin
I still can't get my nerve up to make the first move.

When at night, after hours of alcohol induced conversation or a three hour movie, my move may come.
Come in the way of a gentle  arm stroke or slight positioning of the leg to touch yours.

But where is the daring move to make contact wih your expressive mouth? Where all I want to do is pour my feeling into you.

The threat that I will be rejected is to strong.
Too strong so then I become that I become the coward.
Fawning in the night of what may have been... Instead of acting and making the dream into a reality.

But the nights we have spent together...
Intimately, holding each other in the late hours,
That is the thought that lingers with me, day and night.

Your strong arms wrapped right around me,
 squeezing me closer everytime I make the slightest move
Making me think that you're scared that I might move to far away for you to reach.

But that is not the case.
All I wish is to be closer to you
Emotionally, physically, intellectually.

To make me happier then I have ever been, all I need is a text that has you're name on it. Having that slight knowledge that YOU want to talk to ME of all people.

Just let me in
Please
I'm begging you.
It's starting to hurt every time I look at you

Your dimpled smile,
The expressive face,
The curly hair that you so easily get annoyed with,
Eyes that captivate me,
The crooked grin when you're about to pull a prank,
The way you walk with a purpose in every step,
The joy you get of talking about your passion.

Considering you are willing to spend so much time with me,
Can't you just let me in?
I just want to kiss you, hug you, hold you, make you smile that dimpled grin.

Oh how I want to be the one to make you feel this way.
But alas the coward with on prevails,
Making me stand in the background of your life,
Just another passing person, another name to be remembered and then forgotten.

And so it goes...

We will continue with our pretense that the night before Never happened.
Smiling, laughing, being good friends during the day.
And my heart, just hoping against hole that you will stop by,
Hoping that you will make the first move, to lean over and kiss me,
Because the coward inside,
The fear of being rejected,
Is too prevalent for me to do anything about these feelings I have for you.

Day 4. Five Ways into my Heart

1.     BOOKS

If you love books, especially sci-fi, fantasy novels, then we could spend hours talking about our favorite authors and novels, about the plot and what we think is going to happen next book in the series. I have, and can spend hours on this subject! And if you can replicate, then the battle is half way won, to my heart.

2.     SNOWBOARDING

      Well snowboard or ski. I need someone who loves the great outdoors, especially the winter outdoors. If I could I would be snowboarding every weekend of the snow season. I live in the northern prairies and unfortunately the mountains are a good five-hour drive from where I live. Someday my dream is to either live in the mountains or live close enough that my future partner and me will be able to share the driving and accommodations to go snowboarding every weekend. That is my dream and if a guy who would be as passionate of skiing or boarding as I am, would get you another 20% closer into my heart.

3.     CAMPING & QUADDING

This goes along with the great outdoors. In the summer I always look forward to going camping. But not just camping at the local campground or provincial park. I like getting gout to where not everyone goes. Where the camping is free, usually hard to get to, sometimes have to quad in. And there’s nothing more fun then spending  a couple days on a quad, climbing mountain ranges, getting stuck, getting muddy, and just having a good time!

4.     MARATHON WATCHING TV SHOWS

These days most people do some binge watching once and awhile. There are a few that don’t understand this idea but with Netflix how are people still blind at how nice and relaxing some days can be when you just sit around in your PJ’s and watch a good show for hours? I don’t enjoy doing this all the time but on a Sunday afternoon, especially when it’s raining or -40, TV sounds like a good idea to me!

5.     BEING SPONTANEOUS

Now listen up potential guys out there! This spontaneity concept is one of the most important aspects. Being spontaneous is a big turn on. When nothing is going on some weekend, come up with an idea. Nothing as boring as going out to dinner (I would hope that dinner would be more of a common thing), but instead hop in the truck at 10 pm and then go watch the stars on a back road in the box of the truck. Go on a last minute road trip fro ice cream, three hours away, go to the water park, try zip lining, go to a concert last minute, make a games night with friends. Being able to do this and hopefully many more fun ways to spend time together would be amazing! That would mean our relationship didn’t fall into some boring pattern, but if filled with fun creative ways to spend time together. 

If there’s someone out there that loves all these things, I hope I can find you one of these days. I’ll be keeping my open for you…

Covering up the Real Me

Yup, most of the time I can say that I am Awesome! And I feel good about that:

I have tattoos

I’m the youngest of 3 siblings

My parents are divorced

My brother died of drunk driving

I currently am living with my mom

I’m an aunt

I’ve never been in a serious relationship

I don’t know how to communicate my emotions and feelings with someone I like

I am a college graduate

I want to be a published writer

I am enrolled for university in the fall

I love reading

I am an environmentalist and want to create a greener tomorrow

I drink occasionally

I am willfully and sometimes too independent

I don’t ever do my hair

I would rather get dirty quadding or gardening before wearing a dress

Now knowing all of this, I am usually okay with all of this. But seeing all those beautiful girls all dressed up getting hit on all the time, well, that’s all I want. So I try to change myself.

Cut and dye my hair

Cover up my tattoos

Buy dresses with empire waist to cover my flaws

Buy heels to get the long legs look

Put on a mask to pretend to be someone I’m not

Wear contacts to hide the fact I am near sighted

Laugh and put on a fake smile to try to catch your eye

Me, and hundreds of girls do this. We hide who we really are. Some do it everyday, me I only do it when I try to impress someone. But even once is too many times.  But deep down we all just want to be loved by someone. To be held, to hand hold, to be thought about the first thing in the morning and last thing that someone special thinks about at night. That’s all I want. I know I’m still young at 23, but when I’ve only ever seen glimpses of what that relationship feels like, now it’s all I want. Everyone else around me, has these long lasting relationships, some in high school, and there’s me, sitting on the sideline, always the third wheel hoping to see what that feels like one day.

Well I’m off to go find my dress and make up for the day, just to try to impress you. We will see what happens.